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Here are some very effective steps you can take to improve your self-esteem.

As a coach, I work hard to convince my clients that they can change. I tell them that change doesn’t always happen quickly or easily, but I work hard to empower them with the tools and strategies they need to implement change. If you suffer with low self-esteem you need to start believing that you can change it. Remember, you have to do something well to feel good about yourself.

STEP 1: CHALLENGE THE INNER VOICE

The first step is to start to challenge all those negative messages of the inner voice. For example, after being turned down for a date a person often feels embarrassed or humiliated. They tell themselves they are unattractive and that nobody will ever like or care about them, and that they will always be alone. To counteract these negative inner messages, a person has to try saying for example: “Never mind. It’s her loss that she doesn’t want to go out with me. I know I’m an attractive and good person. I will find someone else”.

Try writing down your negative inner thoughts as they come to you, and then write down your rebuttals to counteract them. This can work wonders with re-programming the mind to think more positively.

STEP 2: PRACTISE SELF-NURTURING

Write down 50 things you like about yourself. Then, add one new thing you like EVERY day. You could try keeping a Personal Success Journal which highlights all your successes, achievements and positive things – however small. Included in this, could be reminders of accomplishments such as certificates and positive letters.

Try also to plan fun and relaxing things for yourself, such as going to the cinema, having a massage, or learning to meditate. You could keep a record of these on a weekly planning sheet.

Perhaps the most important part of step 2 is to try to “fake it until you make it”. In other words, even when you don’t feel you deserve it, you must make yourself practise self-nurturing.

STEP 3: ENLIST THE SUPPORT OF OTHERS

It would be very difficult to improve self-esteem without help from others, but this can be the most difficult step. People with low self-esteem often isolate themselves, and therefore won’t ask for help because they don’t think they deserve it. As low self-esteem is often the result of how people have treated you in the past, it is all the more important to get the help of people in the present to challenge the critical messages. So, for example:

• Ask friends to tell you what you do well and write it down
• Ask them to tell you what they like about you and write it down
• Find a friend who will listen to you – to let out your feelings to, without necessarily trying to fix things for you
• Ask friends and family for more hugs
• Remind those who love you to keep telling you that they do

Finally, I would encourage you to spend 10 minutes every day alone, sitting quietly, and trying to visualise how a life of peace, happiness and high self-esteem would look and feel for you. This can be very powerful.

During this time you should think about all the things that really matter to you. You could write them down to help you identify the areas you could work even harder on and then plan the action you need to take. Remember, in order to raise self-esteem you have to try hard to do well in the things that matter to you in order to feel good about yourself!

Good luck and let me know how you get on.

Do you ever suffer from very poor self-esteem? I believe at times it can be so paralysing for an individual that it becomes almost impossible to motivate them to take action to achieve their goals.

Low self-esteem can have devastating consequences, such as:

• Anxiety, stress, loneliness and depression
• Difficulties with friendships and relationships
• Seriously impairing academic and job performance
• Underachievement and increased vulnerability to drug and alcohol abuse

All of these negative consequences only serve to reinforce a person’s negative self-image and can take them into a downward spiral, often leading to non-productive and self-destructive behaviour.

There are many different definitions of ’self-esteem’, but I like to refer to it as the extent to which we like and respect ourselves. The word ‘esteem’ comes from the Latin word which means ‘to estimate’ – in other words, it’s how you estimate yourself. A good way of assessing a person’s self-esteem is by asking them these questions:

• Do you like yourself?
• Do you think you are a good human being?
• Are you deserving of love?
• Do you deserve happiness?

People with low self-esteem often find it hard to answer ‘yes’ to these questions.

Self-esteem develops and evolves throughout our lives as we build an image of ourselves based on experiences with different people and activities. Experiences during childhood play a very large part in the shaping of our basic self-esteem. Low self-esteem is often the result of failed experiences, such as failure in sports, being harshly criticised, being ignored, ridiculed or teased, and even being yelled at or beaten.

Later on in life, self-esteem can be an outcome of what we do, and this is usually influenced by the choices we make for ourselves. I firmly believe that you have to do something well in order to feel good about yourself. I have worked with clients who have tried telling themselves over and over again that they deserve to feel great, but unless they start to do something well at the same time then it’s hard for self-esteem to rise.

The build up of past negative experiences in life only fuels a person’s so-called inner voice – by that I mean being a harsh inner critic, constantly criticising, punishing and belittling their accomplishments or lack of them. On the other hand, people with healthy self-esteem have an inner voice that conveys positive and reassuring messages.

So how can you overcome poor self-esteem? Look out for the next blog offering some simple steps to overcome it.